2015 is practically out the window and we’re all looking back and reflecting. So I’m going to do the same, share some things about this year abi last year.
First, 2015 was the year that showed me inexplicable grace. I was called to moderate a seminar, 2 other international journalists had been contacted and unavailable, a chance conversation led to my name being mentioned, but that’s only part of the story. Grace was being applauded by a table of people for being so excellent in moderating. Grace was Nigerian delegates coming to tell me that I made them proud to be Nigerian, in requests for my picture, all for standing in one place and announcing the schedule. I learnt this year that God is a multiplier God; that He excels in taking your little and making it much, much bigger than you can ever imagine.
It was the year of absurdities, in a business trip that threw me for a loop when I was informed that the last 2 days of the trip were expected to see me move to the organiser’s hotel room. An assumption made not only without my input, but in clear opposition to a discussion we had where I categorically stated that my interests were purely business. I never hesperred it.
This was the year of exploring; 5 countries I visited this year. I sulked a bit because I asked for 6. Abba has sha reminded me that I went on 6 trips so I should shut it. I am asking for 10 in 2016, or should I be reasonable and say 8? Sod reasonable, shooting for the moon.
This was the year of asking God why, as things that were “supposed” to happen didn’t happen. It was in planning carefully and then moving into my new house to find that my plans hadn’t come through, and so I couldn’t even afford to furnish my house. I lay on my rug in the dark trying to understand what I had done wrong, and received the baffling answer that I was exactly where I was supposed to be. It was the year of answers like “I wanted to see if you would be as quick to praise when your expectations were not met” of questions like “When you don’t get what you expect, am I still your loving, giving Father?” It was the shock of realising that my instinctive answer was sometimes No. This was the year of lying in the dark and asking questions I had no answers to, of realising that I was expected to be ok with no answers, that faith sometimes is a walk in the dark holding onto a hand you can feel but not see.
This year was the year of letting go. Of realising that I no longer had the energy or desire to swim against the current. I am a fighter, I am the type that puts my head down and breaks walls and pushes until I get what I want. 2 conversations stopped me this year, well…2 conversations and 1 experience. I stopped fighting, realised that I needed to learn when to let the current carry me. Realised that there was too much fighting going on, and that sometimes you need to stop fighting so hard to hold things together, lose the fear of letting things fall apart.
This was the year that I realised that I needed to let go and discover grace. Allow grace do the work…stop fighting so hard
This year was the year I confessed to God that the only reason I was accepting one outcome was because I had stopped believing that the outcome I was dreaming of was possible. I looked up and confessed that I had stopped believing. I asked for help and it came, a rope to hold on to till faith was restored and I was standing on sure ground again.
This was the year of hard decisions – some born in fire and torn from my heart, expressed in text and in words. Others were quieter, born in the moment of a silent decision to…or not to.
This was the year of letting go of burdens I didn’t even know I carried, of a single conversation ending with a physical lightness in my chest, a feeling of freedom and space that told me that I had been carrying anger I didn’t even realise. And following an apology I had decided was never coming, something left, left me free.
This year…it was fun, but it was confusing. At the beginning of this year, my phrase was “Your eyes will see God”, it was followed by “You know Me as Lover and Friend, it is time to know me as King” I expected magnificent miracles that would leave the world speechless. Instead I encountered requests to trust without understanding, to praise regardless, to hold on when there was nothing left to hold on with. I realised that Kings are Sovereign, and they owe us no answers, irrespective of our desire or expectation of the same. My faith stuttered and flamed to life and sputtered to near death in floods of tears. I didn’t always feel Him, but He was always there, in resolution and inconclusive answers; in plenty and not enough, in unexpected blessings and “unanswered” prayers.
I already know what 2016 will require of me. It’s the year I bring sexy back. There will be laughing and taking time to love on me. There will be slowing down to smell the roses. There will be self care and self love. There will be rediscovering the softer edges, the quirky edges. There will be a calling forth of the parts that needed to take a backseat for 2015 to happen.
I will continue on my journey of a more childlike, simpler faith. A faith that asks no more than that I am doing what my Father desires, that I am loving Him with all my heart, that I am pleasing Him with every breath.
Beyond that, I have no idea, but I know that every lesson this year is preparation for next. Some things are hanging too strategically, cliffhangers so carefully positioned that all I can do is hold on and wait for the unveiling of the promised.
2015 was an interesting year. That I think, is the best way to put it. Am I excited about 2016, very oddly for me, no. I am very blasé about it, sitting down here, sipping a bottle of lukewarm water, typing to Sinach and thankful that medication has dulled the pain in my throat.
I’m not excited, but I am ready.
Happy New Year Everyone, May this year be all you dream of, and then more