Today I told Abba I was afraid. Finally confessed.
Sitting there in the airport, waiting for my flight, I suddenly felt such a wanting for the long seasons in prayer that so many people master so effortlessly.
I’m not a good pray-er. No….I’d rather say…I don’t approach prayer like I was taught. My first words to Him are sleepy mumbles while my body and mind seek to rise from sleep. Then sometimes a prayer after I read my Bible. Sometimes I don’t. Then we spend the rest of the day gisting. I’m learning to tell Him everything. Even the most random things. Recently I started gisting with Him through my devotions. Gisting instead of just listening. He tells me some pretty interesting stuff.
But today I felt lacking because I don’t spend hours on my face seeking His face.
So I told Him that. And then came the thought that usually comes that I try to run away from…’What will You take from me to give me that gift?’. This time though, maybe because I had time and nowhere to go but further in my head, I followed the thought.
And then I told Him
That I am scared of the pain with which I have learned my lessons. That I am tired of crying my growth. That I don’t want to hurt anymore. I learned self worth from abuse and financial wisdom from debt. I learned to ask for more from the dust of a broken heart and I learned patience from waiting in tears. Today I finally told Him that the pain scares me.
He didn’t say anything. He just listened. He’s a good listener.
Plus He knows I KNOW the stuff…that I walked myself into a lot of that pain. That the lessons were worth it. That I never, not for one day walked alone.
He didn’t remind me though. He knows I know.
He didn’t tell me about the 365 (366?) Fear nots in the Bible. He knows I know them too
He just listened. And He HEARD me. And that was ok.
I remembered the other things I told Him I was scared of. Like the time I finally told Him I wasn’t excited about the Rapture. Because I’m not done here. Because I didn’t know what to expect. Because I was scared.
He told me it was ok then. It’s ok to be a bit anxious about a place you’ve never been.
I’m not scared of that anymore.
Or when I told Him I was scared I’d never find the love of my dreams. That perhaps I want too much, I’m too oblivious, too impatient, too lazy. He told me it was ok too. It’s not easy to learn to dream big dreams.
And when my friend told me I was too complicated and the reason I was still single, my answer told me that I’m not scared anymore.
I confessed to Him that I was scared of lightning. That one He answered immediately. He asked me ‘Do you think I would EVER do anything to hurt you?’
I’m not completely over that one…but one night I slept with my window open while light and sound played with the rain. As I dozed off I reminded Him…’You won’t let anything hurt me’. I’m pretty sure He smiled.
I don’t know if I’m still scared about going deeper. But that’s not really the point of this post.
I told Him today. Took off another fig leaf and laid it at His feet. Then I climbed into His lap and listened to His heartbeat say my name.
And it was okay