Some time ago; I was on FB when I came across the profile of an acquaintance…it made me smile and it made me remember. You see, she was the person an ex had moved on to after a split I was not ready for and I spent months stalking hero n B and Twitter, reading her posts and trying to see what it was about her that made her the choice instead of me.
Years later, I smile because in the manner of all things, it really doesn’t matter any more. And it got me wondering; honestly we carry so many things in our hearts; worries and hopes and slights and pain and all…how many of these things still matter after some time.
When I think of the pain I harboured for so long, and I think of the wholeness that is my daily testimony, mehn I just marvel at God.
I also remember secondary school…I was tiny, awkward and totally lacking in self confidence. Everyone was bigger and had much more to offer than I did; or so it seemed. On to University where it seemed that as soon as I mastered one “coo keed” trait, the happening kids discarded it and moved on to newer things. It felt like I was always on the edge of breaking in.
Today I think back to my days of self doubt and insecurity, my days of wanting so badly to fit in, and I smile.
Recently I needed a dress for an event and walked into a lovely boutique to pick something up. Looking at the owner of the shop, I reflected on how gorgeous she was and how fashionable she seemed. Walking into the changing room, I was startled to realise that I was styled very similarly to her…I hadn’t noticed, but apparently, I was fashionable too.
I reflected on just how far Abba has brought me. How He must have shaken His head as I worried and obsessed and fretted. Knowing His plans for my future, I wonder what He thought as I constantly put myself down because I felt that I was not good enough; this beautiful child who was ignorant of her worth.
Today, I meet people who see a confident woman who is smart and funny and slightly crazy….ok lots crazy. This woman knows what to say and when to say it; she is self assured and not afraid of much. Sometimes, people see the girl who is on TV; the one with the stylists and whose makeup and hair is always done. And I smile. I am a swan now, but I realise I was one all those years ago, when all I saw was an ugly duckling who wasn’t right, who got left, who allowed herself to be treated as much less than she was. I was a swan even then when I didn’t see.
When I walk into a room and I am tempted to revert to duckling behaviour, to become awkward and try to please and put myself down, I find myself thinking instead – Naw, let me reflect the beauty that the One who made me saw when He created me. Let me celebrate the beautiful, wonderful swan that He lovingly and carefully crafted.
And all of those things of those days that I used to worry about; the breakups and all…it’s incredible how, just a few years later, none of them really matter anymore