It’s 9.45pm and I have just startled myself out of a tired doze on my bed. I would quite happily go to sleep like this, but my windows are open and there is stuff all over my bed and apart from the fact that I don’t like the exposed feeling from sleeping with drawn curtains, I also don’t particularly fancy waking up at 3am in a fright because I touched something that shouldn’t be on my bed.
My mind is full, and even though I am tired, I feel almost clogged up…there’s too much in my head…although that might just be the 5 cobs of corn I greedily but happily consumed for dinner.
5 cobs. *sigh* my body is begging me for veggies and raw food…I’m not sure corn counts.
I had a rough week mentally; had a workplace situation that disturbed my equilibrium and left me feeling very trapped. Anyone who knows me knows that my biggest motivation for anything is freedom; I always have an exit door, even if it’s an exit to a place in my head.
So anyway, I’d been feeling trapped and trying to deal with it without being unprofessional and without letting my output be affected. God sha knows how to answer me just in the nick of time, heard a sermon in church that helped me see the situation from another perspective, but it’s taken a little time for my pendulum to swing back to a place of rest. Today I finally had an unforced conversation with the person responsible…I didn’t want to, but after I did, I was glad, because I realised that it was the silence that was keeping me out of whack.
I’m becoming very big on releasing things and letting them go. So yeah, I’ve released the person.
What else is in my head…well, I’ve got 2 trips planned for this year…3 actually. I’m excited, I love to travel…and it’s the kind of trip I like…exploring…just going…looking forward to going on and writing about them…
I’m sitting on my room floor and I keep catching a whiff of what smells like cough syrup…which makes no sense as I haven’t had a cough in a while. It’s very distracting.
Anyway…I’m looking forward to this weekend. I intend to be very self centred about it and take care of me…I will be totally lazy and indulge my spirit by doing only the things I wish to do…as I wish to do them. I might probably end up seeming rude but the people who know and love me will not mind and I can’t really be bothered about anyone else.
You know, I had a lot more in my head when I started typing, was just going to go on till I was empty…except it’s all gone now, maybe all I needed was to begin the process.
I’m thinking of my friend in Maiduguri who I haven’t heard from since the beginning of the week. I’m hoping she’s fine and sending out a prayer that God protects her and everyone else in the SOE states.
I’m thinking of all my writing projects and excited because I will catch up on them this week.
I’m thinking about not being afraid of some of the pictures God is putting in my head. He shows me something planned for my future and I used to freak out and shut down because it was too big to comprehend. But little by little my mind is adjusting to possibility and I am gradually becoming more excited than nervous about it all.
I’m thinking that I don’t like weaves…I don’t like not having access to my scalp. It feels like there’s a mat glued to my head.
I’m thinking that freedom is a place inside you. It’s an understanding you carry with you. Irrespective of what your circumstances say.
I’m thinking about my little sister and sending a prayer out for her for a wonderful holiday.
I’m wondering whether this is why I used to freak out about the future, because once I get on that track, this is it. The things God has shown me astound me in their scope.
I’m realising that I am no longer scared…
I’m thinking how incredibly patient with me God is, because He is teaching me little by little that nothing can take away my liberty. Not a person, not a circumstance, not a dream or a vision.
I’m thinking that I am responsible for my outcomes. That life can throw what it likes at me but I am still ultimately responsible for the direction that I take subsequently. It is still up to me…
I’m thinking that I am more than up to it.
Someone said to me today about someone else “They’ll never change” And I’m thinking that actually they will, when they see something they want more than they want to stay the same.
Ok I have pins and needles in my foot and this cough syrup smell is driving me mad and I think an ant just bit me.
I’m thinking that perhaps it is bedtime.